“You are a terrible boyfriend, why won’t you marry me?”
So … don’t ever say that, okay? Or other words that mean that.
This originally came up because last November, comedian Kyle Ayers live-tweeted his neighbor’s breakup.
A debate ensued on my Facebook wall about who came off worse in the breakup. Apparently, the woman criticizes the man’s wardrobe. And I guess she says “like” and “um” a lot. The man, however, claims not to understand either how time works:
Or the concept of “an apartment”:
So, considering that the Ayers had no motivation to try to make either party look better than they were, I was on the woman’s side all the way. Who doesn’t say “like” and “um” a lot when they’re upset?
However, my Facebook friend Edgar Stephen Curo remarked:
I’ve overheard a number of lady friends give the “Dude, you’re kind of mediocre & shitty &, i don’t really like you, but WHY WON’T YOU COMMIT TO PLANNING YOUR FUTURE WITH ME!!!” speech. I’ve never quite been able to get my head around that one. Is it intentional negging? or just an indication that the girl has low self esteem and abandonment issues? (yes… at least once, i was on the receiving end, but that was a long long long time ago.)
The “hate-fuck” is a well recognized phenomenon, but i’d like to see more examination of the equally real “hate-nesting.”
Ooh, “hate nesting” is a good phrase!
Curo’s questions may have been rhetorical, but let me take a stab at an answer. Why does anyone do this?
Some (not so great) relationship behavior I have seen can possibly be explained by the fact that many women will continue in a very unsatisfying relationship with the idea that the man is going into emotional debt, and that clearly he must know this. “I am suffering and I am certain that he knows this, so by continuing as we are, he knows that he is essentially asking favors from me all the time.” Or, “He is treating me badly, so the more I let him do it, the more he will owe me in return.”
So when the man turns out to have no such understanding of the situation (typically: “She stayed, so I assumed it was cool with her. It’s not my job to read minds.”), the hate-nest seems to be 95%, the woman is trying to get the man to admit to operating in bad faith, and maybe 5% giving it a small shot that maybe it’s all just a big misunderstanding and rom-com behavior will ensue, but probably not, because women have been told 100,000 times that all that’s a lie and to expect very little.
Well, now I’m sad.
Everybody, do not do this.
And if you read this post and didn’t identify with it AT ALL, good for you! Good. Moving on.
Also, the reason I put this up now was that I think I just found an example of a man doing this. From the Daily Fail, this piece is about a man who is so upset that his girlfriend’s parents won’t let them get married that he takes her up onto a rooftop — with a meat cleaver — and forces her to strip in order to shame her, because he thinks she is having affairs while he’s at work.
In other words, Why are you cheating on me, and why can’t we get married? No. Do not hate-nest.
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